Get In, Loser, We’re Going To Broadway!

STOP THE PRESS. This is BIG NEWS.

For as long as we can remember, all we’ve heard is: “Gretchen! Stop trying to make Mean Girls: The Musical happen! It’s NOT going to happen!”

Well have we got news for you… IT’S HAPPENING!

“Shut up! SHUT UP!”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Disclaimer: if you’ve somehow made it through life without seeing Mean Girls and learning every line by heart, the rest of this article will mean nothing to you, and you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.

That’s right, the time has come for The Plastics to finally reunite (and for us wannabes to get back to plotting their demise), in what promises to be the most sensational moment in Broadway’s herstory.

The proof?

Well, how about this hilarious trailer featuring the unholy trinity themselves (AKA The Plastics), which was dropped just last week.

And if you’re still not convinced, you can rest easy in the knowledge that Mean Girls will be in safe hands. The show will be directed & choreographed by Book of Mormon‘s Casey Nicholaw, with music composed by SNL’s Jeff Richmond. And the genius behind the word vomit? I mean, the script?

Why it’s only the Queen Bee herself: Tina Fey.

Don’t be fooled, because Tina Fey may seem like your typical joke-cracking, satire genius. But in reality she is so much more than that.

So you agree? You think you’re really funny?

But just in case you struggle putting pen to paper, Ms Fey, we have put together our Mean Girls Musical Wish List. Take note, Tina! This is what your people want!

1. First things first. The Jingle Bell Ball number. If this isn’t an exact replica of the iconic movie choreography – which obviously we committed to memory the minute we got our hands on the DVD – then there will be trouble. Why would Damien ask Janis if it bothers her that they still use her original choreography, if it’s not the original choreography? Just saying…

NB Kevin G’s rap, on the other hand, must be extended. Our heart still breaks when Mr Duvall cuts him off early. #JusticeForKevin

2. OK so Cady’s transformation in the movie is fine. For a movie. She struts in looking all plastic and falls into a bin. It’s onscreen perfection. Cinematic gold. But this is a MUSICAL. And no musical is complete without some physics-defying costume change wizardry à la Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. We want Cady’s reveal to take our breath away. Got it? Breath. Take it away.

3. The role of Ms Norberry (you know, the part that Tina Fey originated the movie) will require a totally grool cameo. We will accept any of the following actors playing the “pushy” Maths teacher:

Tina Fey
Tina Fey
or
Tina Fey

(We would also accept Liza or Bette, but that goes without saying)

4. A beautifully written solo number towards the end of Act Two entitled “The Ballad Of The Girl Who Doesn’t Even Go Here”. With lyrics tinged with heartfelt sorrow and nostalgia such as “Can’t we all get along like we did in Middle School?” and “I wish I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles” – the number practically writes itself!

5. Maybe Aaron Samuels could have a dance number all about how sexy his hair is pushed back? Maybe while doing acrobatics? In the rain? And maybe he doesn’t have a shirt on? Yeah, that’d be cool.

6. You know the truly unforgettable moment when (#spoileralert) Cady snatches the Spring Fling crown, snaps it up and shares it? Well it will obviously require some kind of Defying-Gravity-style vocals, as Cady ascends into the rafters of the theatre, sprinkling bits of silver crown upon her fellow actors and the audience. Perhaps all to a refrain of “Emma Gerber, you look really pretty” (maybe sung with a little more conviction than Lindsey gave that line in the movie…)

7. And finally, to go with his four candy canes, please write at least one line for Glenn Coco. We’ve waited too long. It’s time the world got to meet this unsung hero.

That’s all! We understand that Broadway world has even more rules than Girl World, but just know that if these ideas don’t make the cut, then you probably can’t sit wih us.

Totally kidding! Because whether or not Ms Fey and her colleagues take note, we plan to be first in line to get our tickets to this totally awesome show.

What am I saying? It’s going to be more than awesome –

Ahead of its Broadway run, Mean Girls: The Musical will premiere in DC for 5 weeks only, running from October 31 to December 3. For tickets and more information, go here.