2017’s instalment of Eurovision is less than 50 days away. This year in Kiev, Ukraine, the event’s slogan is “Celebrate Diversity”, welcoming the 43 countries that are taking part this year, all except for Russia. They’ve been banned by the Ukrainian government and thus have to perform their entry via live video streaming. Nevertheless, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to classify which entries to look out for, who to put straight onto your Spotify playlist, and the ones which will have you reaching for the wine.
Sweden: Robin Bengtsson, I Can’t Go On
It should come to absolutely no one that Sweden once again have absolutely smashed it. This year’s entry is a Scandinavian victor with cheekbones consisting of more structure than the current state of the UK political system, backup dancers who were created in a lab in Linköping, and a delightful serving of classy homoeroticism. It’s a bonafide yes from us.
France: Alma, Requiem
It’s been 40 years since France won Eurovision and all that could be set to change. Alma’s off-beat offering Requiem brings class and sophistication, which is a far cry from this stunt they pulled back in 2008.
Italy: Francesco Gabbani, Occidentali’s Karma
Italy has blessed us since their return in 2011 with absolute belters and it’s hard to imagine Eurovision without them. For 2017 Francesco Gabbani’s entry is Occidentali’s Karma which translates into “Westerner’s Karma”. A poststructuralist introspection critiquing the societal pitfalls of the western world, there’s also a man dancing in a gorilla costume, so consider us sold. We have no idea what is going on, at all, but we are absolutely living.
Germany: Levina, Perfect Life
While Germany is busy being the leader of the free world now, they’ve had to shift their priorities a little. Rather than muster anything original for their Eurovision entry, they have instead thought that they would pilfer the entire opening of David Guetta’s Titanium, not even having the grandeur to transpose the key by a single semitone (seriously play these videos together).
Malta: Claudia Faniello, Breathlessly
This is so boring. I am so bloody bored. You’re exhausting me more than my ex, Malta.
Austria: Nathan Trent, Running On Air
The level of plucky sickly sweet vocals in this has not got us amused, rather we’re pulling a deadpan face that would make Squidward proud. 2016 happened Nathan, your happy go lucky inoffensiveness is too much for our hardened dead souls. You make Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson sound as problematic as Azealia Banks is on Twitter, why can’t you be miserable and wallow in suffering and existential pain like the rest of us?
San Marino: Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson, Spirit Of The Night
This will be the 4th time, yes a record breaking fourth time, Valentina Monetta will perform for San Marino. In fact, she actually managed to qualify for the final in 2014. This year’s Spirit of the Night is a void and one we wish to avoid at all costs. Maybe this will be the perfect time for your mid-Eurovision bathroom break.
Montenegro: Slavko Kalezić, Space
Life is like Montenegro, you just never know what you’re gonna get. Last year they sent moody post-grunge rock. For 2017 they’ve done a full 180° on us and given us Slavko Kalezić with Space. It’s fabulously camp and so terrible it’s almost good, but mostly terrible. However we can’t wait for what he has got planned for us for his stage performance. We’ve seen fairies on roller-skates, dubstep rapping astronauts and back in 2012, they tried to get a literal donkey on stage. We’re pumped Montenegro, show us what you’ve got.
Romania: Ilinca ft. Alex Florea, Yodel It!
Fun fact, Romania got kicked off from Eurovision last year for not paying their Eurovision debts totalling £13 million. Why they thought, “let’s pay it off so we can bless Europe with this monstrosity” only a higher power can answer for. A phrase that strikes everyone’s stomach with their ASOS recent order Yodel It! just got a whole lot more terrifying. Romania brought multi-pitched yelling and gave it a Macklemore and Halsey aesthetic. Something literally no one asked for.
Moldova: Sunstroke Project, Hey Mamma
One fateful evening in 2010, a meme of truly epic proportions was given rise, to arguably the most famous man ever to make it out of Moldova, we are of course talking about Epic Sax Guy. And 2017 is going to maybe be ok now, cause he’s back, with his band that no one really cares about with the song Hey Mamma.
The One that Got Away
Britain had Brexit, the USA had Trump and Sweden had eliminating Loreen from the Melodifestivalen semi-finals. You might need to sit down and have a cigarette after this one. It’s the Love child of Bedroom Hymns from Florence and I’m Alive by Sia. You better believe we’re more bitter than the God damn Dead Sea that this didn’t qualify for Eurovision.